Games You’ve Probably Never Heard Of (Thankfully) #1

Every gamer has gotten a hold of a at least one “bad” game in their lifetime and with so many games showing up on the market today there are bound to be some exceptionally bad eggs. Each week I will bring you three games (one from each of the powerhouse platforms) that received a “less” than welcoming review from critics and gamers a like. Be warned, some of these games are so horrible it may make you physically ill. I hold no responsibility for any injuries sustained from the viewing of these articles.

Looks fun, but looks can be decieving.

Damnation (Sony Playstation 3)

Damnation was developed by Blue Omega Entertainment and published by Codemasters for port on many systems but it seems that the porting on Playstation 3 received the worst of the reviews. The story behind Damnation was a good one and a lot of gamers whom had heard of the title anticipated its release with open arms, hoping it would be a wonderful game. Damnation takes place on an “alternate Earth” and revolves around the character, whom is leading a rebellion against an evil dictator. It’s full of guns and creative steam powered vehicles that can perform odd tasks like climbing walls in addition to driving. The problems with the game seemed to stem from the horrid graphics (personally I don’t see an issue with them but the screenshots may be misleading) that players were presented with and only got worse when players began to actually play the game. One of the main issues came with actually shooting. The character would have to draw his weapon each time he fired at an enemy, rather than carrying it around in the open, ready to fire. The other issues came with control. It was complained that it was sluggish and to be honest to hard to handle. Many players argued that it was too hard to perform tasks like “wall running” and climbing and was almost impossible to shoot and kill enemies sometimes. The last complaint came from the A.I. (Artificial Intelligence). Players and even critics complained that the A.I. was overpowered and in some aspects very “stupid” in terms of how it acted. Needless to say this was an expected win that really failed. PS3 owners will want to stay away from this title, but anyone else who comes in contact with it should immediately set it on fire and throw it off the nearest cliff.

The Ninja Gaiden of baked goods.

Ninjabread Man (Nintendo Wii)

The title alone lets you know that this game is going to be some awful spoofing of a gingerbread cookie gone assassin but the horridness of the game doesn’t end at just the title. Ninjabread Man was produced by Data Design Interactive and published by Conspiracy Entertainment. Ninjabread Man was actually nominated for worst Multiplatform Game of the Year by Screwattack.com. The nomination apparently has some backup by a lot of the gaming community and most of the major publications that critiqued this title. The game has fairly decent graphics and colorful worlds that had imagination blended into them but the real terrors in this game stem from the actual gameplay. The biggest complaint in control was the poor choice to map the “jump” action by shaking the Wii controller itself. Gamers complained that the shaking was rarely gauged correctly and the motions were often laggy and slow. Luckily they also mapped the jump to the Z button on the Wii nunchuck but it still did nothing to help the game itself. The game contained absolutely no storyline and the character was very “uncool” and “silent” although the game cover seems to portray him as a fresh baked badass. Needless to say the game received horrible ratings and wouldn’t even be a good bargain game. Let’s leave the baked goods to games like Cooking Mama. The only action hero’s that seem to be worth anything are inedible.

Nothing's worse than angry, weasel, boar, pig, looking...things.

Two Worlds (Microsoft Xbox 360)

Two Worlds was developed by Reality Pump and published by South Peak Interactive. I (unfortunately) had a chance to experience this ticking time bomb of bad when I downloaded the free demo via Xbox Live. After the first ten minutes of playing I literally wanted to throw my Xbox 360 out of the nearest window and abandon all hopes for the growth of video games for the rest of my life. No matter what anyone says, tells you about Two Worlds, or tries to explain, the plain and simple truth is the game is a without a doubt rip off of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. The only difference is, the folks at Reality Pump failed completely to capture anything that Oblivion had done aside from appear in the same genre. The graphics were “past-gen”, the voice acting was horrible, the character moved like a wounded turtle and attacked like a wounded butterfly, and the menus and inventories were so confusing you’d have better success playing advanced Sudoku. I wouldn’t recommend Two Worlds to my worst enemy, in fact, just for safe measure we shouldn’t even mention it verbally. Two Worlds will go down as a blunder, a copy cat, and an unsuccessful crack at Role Playing games. Maybe it’s not all bad, with any luck the developers can port it as a horror genre game and it will do just fine.

Any games you’ve played recently that didn’t take the cake, or even bake it for that matter? Let me know in the comments section below.