Ultimate Ninja Fail–Gaming’s Top Ten Worst Ninjas Ever

Yuliya Geikhman on Tuesday, November 24, 2009 5:00PM

What’s the difference between a ninja and a samurai? A samurai’s main concern was honor: they would tell you exactly why they are killing you before they kill you. The ninja’s main concern was survival: the only sound you’d hear from a ninja would be the sound of a knife entering your back. The ninja is legendary. So many video games are based on this legendary black-clad assassin. Some are true to the ways of the ninja. Others are… well… utter failures as ninjas.

#10 - Gozarutchi (Tamagotchi Connection)

I thought Tamagotchi were supposed to be cute? “Aw look at this cute little ruthless assassin who will stop at nothing to ensure his survival!” In Gozaruchi’s defense, he only evolves into a ninja when he is neglected (probably because he begins to plot revenge and figures that’s the best course of action). Even though Gozarutchi wants to be a ninja and practices every day with his throwing stars (presumably on his sister and a poster of the owner who neglected him), he fails as a ninja - he’s unhealthy (low blood pressure) and lazy, and can usually be found sleeping somewhere.

#9 - Ninja Captains (Ninja Captains, Wii)

While watching the news one day, four kitty ninjas see a giant mouse robot destroying New York City, where they live. The cat ninjas use a device that points the way to the robot mouse, pass the mouse, and get right onto a plane. Why? Who knows. All I know is that the ninja cats from Ninja Captains are failures at being ninjas.

#8 - Ryu Hayabusa (Ninja Gaiden I and II, Xbox 360)

“But Ryu is a ninja! It says so in the title!”

No, Ryu used to be a ninja. Altair of Assassin’s Creed is more of a ninja than Ryu is now. He relies on stealth, disguises, hidden weapons and daggers, and very limited arsenal of weapons and items (ninjas pack light). These are the ways of the ninja. The ninja is a stealthy and skilled assassin. In Ninja Gaiden II, Ryu Hayabusa can cut off people’s limbs. The focus is no longer on adventure and ninja skills - it’s on running at people and cutting them up with as much blood as possible.And for that reason, Ryu is ninja by name only.

#7 - Ken Ogawa (Ninja Blade, Xbox 360)

Ken Ogawa is like Ryu in that… well, Ken is like Ryu in almost every single way. This includes his tendency to run into battle and kill parasitic creatures with as much blood, gore, and overacting as possible. For copying Ryu and Ninja Gaiden, Ken is a horrible ninja. But kudos on coming up with creative ways to dispose of unwanted monsters.

#6 - Ninjabread Man (Ninjabread Man, Wii)

Ninjabread Man is more of a failure as a game than as a ninja. When Candy Land, the home of the Ninjabread Man is in danger, it’s up to him to save it. On second thought, maybe he shouldn’t be on this list after all - what would take any other video game ninja a good number of levels and hours of playtime only takes Ninjabread Man 4 stages (one of which is a tutorial). The game got horrible reviews for being boring, unoriginal, repetitive, and way too short.

#5 - Johnnie and Adam (Surf Ninjas, SEGA Game Gear, Commodore 64, possibly others)

If you’re wondering why any ninja would be named Johhnie or Adam, well… it’s because they didn’t know they were ninjas. These two California surfer kids learn that they are actually princes of an Asian kingdom named Patusan. This is again more of a video game failure than a ninja failure (although I suspect if you’re a surfer kid your ninja skills are limited): the video game was created alongside a movie. I do mean that literally - the game was being developed at the same time as the film, using the script as guidance. Surf Ninjas is the first game based on a movie that came out before the movie.

#4 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for NES and others)

TMNT is to ninja what a 3 year old girl is to sumo wrestler. Seriously, turtles were the worst possible animal to choose when creating this show/video game. Ninjas are supposed to be stealthy and carry little. Try sneaking around with your house on your back. I’m sure that pizza diet doesn’t help their weight or health, either. Then again, they don’t exactly sneak around… instead they jump at their enemy shouting “COWABANGA!” - which is not at all something a ninja would do.

#3 - Wee Ninja (Ninjatown, Nintendo DS)

The official site states that “Wee Ninjas train constantly to refine many of the techniques all Ninjas use today, including but not limited to the Stealth Hug, Sneak Snuggle and Fists of Tickle Fury.” I said it for the Tamagotchi ninja, and I will say it again: Ninjas are killing machines, not cute and snuggly (and the ninjas of Ninjatown are pretty darn cute and snuggly).

#2 - Ebisumaru (Mystical Ninja Goemon, SNES and others)

Ninjas are best known for being stealthy, fit, and ruthless. Ebisumaru is a chubby, flamboyant man who likes to prance around. Ebisumaru is only ninja-like in his ability to use almost anything as a weapon. Aside from that, his talents include… eating. He likes to eat. It’s his hobby.

And the award for the worst ever ninja in a video game goes to…

#1 - The DragonNinja Clan (Bad Dudes Vs DragonNinja, NES)

I’m guessing that the DragonNinja clan that went up against the Bad Dudes in this classic arcade flunked out of ninja school. Hundreds of them can’t take out a couple of dudes. Or at the very least, they missed the lesson on valuing survival above all else: some of the ninjas set themselves on fire and run around, hoping to kill the dudes that way. It shouldn’t be that hard to kill some dudes, no matter how bad they are.

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