With the release of CrazySingleLife, we find ourselves contemplating new beginnings and the possibilities of finding our special someone. On top of that, the arrival of the Christmas season has turned all of our cold, video game loving, hearts into big, pure, fuzzy, warm, gift giving, pleasure centers of kindness and love. But the holidays aren’t so great for everyone and like the famous Grinch, there are a handful of video game characters that have hearts three sizes too small this year. Hop aboard the love train as we take a tour to five different destinations that house five different video game characters, each one of them doomed to a blue holiday, alone.

First Stop: Hyrule

Link is a ladies man, no doubt, and anyone who isn’t drawn towards him by his elvish charms or amazingly brave heroics, is usually drawn to his big, happy, pointed ears. A traveler of many lands and a slayer of many…”Ocotorok,” Link has seen and done just about everything there is to do and saved the world on many a different occasion. Over the timeline of Zelda games, Link has flirted with many different girls, specifically in the classic “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for the Nintendo 64. Link tried to swoon the royal Princess Zelda, the musically gifted Saria, the sensual yet innocent Malon, and the oddly sexually attractive blue fish creature with the ruby in her head…whatever her name was (Ruto I think). Needless to say there was quite a bit of playing the field going on in Ocarina of Time and even though Link had the ability to make himself a “man” by playing his magical Ocarina, he still never managed to settle down or get serious with any of the ladies. Many people would speculate that Link is just a ship passing in the night, a floating feather which has no home, a lucid but elusive creature, born to ride horses and live upon the open range. Forever fighting the countless hoards of enemies that the darkness brings forth, a savior of time, of people, of the world! Personally though I think it might be something a little more shocking…I’m not trying to point fingers here or make any crazy assumptions, I’m just saying…Have you ever seen how Link and Ganondorf look at each other?

Second Stop: The Mushroom Kingdom

Mario is suave, debonaire, has a manly moustache, and can plumb with the best of them. He knows his way around a pipe maze and can crush enemies with his mighty feet of springy fury. His ability to fly like a …raccoon? And spit fire after ingesting a flower make him a manly man among men. In fact, he even makes a frog suit look manly and that’s tough to do (Trust me, I know some people that have tried). What’s better is Mario doesn’t suffer from the normalcy of ahem, “male fatigue,” because he can just simply eat a spotted mushroom and “grow larger.” He is truly an Adonis of the nineteen eighties and even now, in our time of futuristic games and backwards ways of doing things, he still finds a place in our hearts and can roll with the best of them. So why isn’t a man that is so obviously the form of Italian perfection still single? One name and one name only, “Princess Peach.” Mario spends all of his time and efforts rescuing a princess who apparently loves nothing more than letting bad guys break into her house. She has been kidnapped more than any other game character in the world and when the %$@! hits the fan it’s up to the moustached marauder to ride in on his green dinosaur/horse thingy and save the day. Mario has a SEVERE case of what we like to call “whipped” and even though Princess Peach isn’t putting out, he’s still blinded by the light of love. Mario needs a new love interest…last I heard Peach had a friend (Princess Daisy) and the most exciting thing she’s done lately is appear in Tennis, Winter Sports, and Board games. Take a note from your friends Mario and pursue other interests!

Third Stop: “Gaia” (The Planet) (WTF ever You Want to Call It)

When it comes to kicking some serious ass and looking good doing it, no one seems to succeed better than the spiky-haired heartthrob, Cloud Strife. Cloud has done everything from riding on an airship, to racing motorcycles, to riding big yellow chicken things (Kweh!). He spends most of his time with his friends, Mr T…I mean Barret, and Cait Sith, a big puffy monster thing that takes orders from a cat in a cape and crown with a megaphone. He has a very “business” like relationship with an emo vampire (Vincent) and sometimes spends his time trying to get Yuffie off her sugar highs. Most of all though, Cloud hangs out with a sexy seductress of the martial arts, Tifa, who is both deadly and agile (which is ironic considering she’s carrying around one hundred extra pounds of chest weight). Cloud has been on many a side-quest and beaten some truly fearsome creatures but sadly Cloud has always been weak to one enemy…the enemy of love. Mr Strife poured his heart and soul into the arms of a sweet, innocent, flower saleswoman (Aerith). Unfortunately before anything could become of it, she was killed in a tragic accident involving a power hungry maniac with mommy issues. Cloud will spend the holidays alone, longing for the true love he lost. I was thinking about trying to hook him up with Tifa but I’m afraid the first time he tried to hug her he’d suffocate.

Fourth Stop: Planet Zebes

Samus is one of the more deadly women on the video game circuit and like any sexy bounty hunter she knows how to handle an arm cannon. Beneath her cold metal exterior yearns a beautiful, sexy, young lady just yearning to be loved and respected. The only issue is that most of the males Samus meets are either living statues, slimy, mutant dragons, or eight stories tall. Don’t get me wrong, Samus knows how to get the job done and she would surely be the bread winner in any relationship, bounty hunting entire planets can be a pretty lucrative job. She’s very flexible too and can even morph into a complete ball shape which means she would be excellent at….certain flexible tasks..and stuff. Unfortunately though for her and any potential men she does meet her armor is rather thick and from what I understand it can be difficult to remove if you aren’t a powerful monster. Some men might be turned off by her full body chastity belt. For me personally she seems just a little to scary…haven’t you ever seen those Discovery Channel specials on female praying mantises?

Last Stop: I’m not really sure..

Sonic the Hedgehog is a well known icon and although we may not understand him or why Sega chose a hedgehog as their “speedy adventurer,” Sonic is still a very famous character. His trademark “shoes and nudity” have been a mainstay in his entire video game starring career and his bold,in your face attitude has many girls swooning over him. Okay, not really, to be honest only one girl swoons over him, Amy the Hedgehog, which is good because anyone else interested in Sonic would be met with a plethora of sharp quills anytime they got too close to him. Amy is as enthusiastic as she is annoying and Sonic is usually too “busy” to deal with her. Secretly I think he just finds her incredibly unbearable (like I do) and runs from the awkward situation (pun totally intended) whenever he can. Sonic has met a few other females in his time but none of them can stop the quick footed hedgehog long enough to gain any interest in him. Although Sonic is a brute and can quickly take down any foe with ease, he seems to have huge problems with commitment. Amy might not be the brightest crayon in the box but hedgehogs don’t have an extensive life expectancy. If it gets too bad, Sonic could always pretend Tails was a girl I guess. Besides, Tails is already pretty convincing on his own.