Deep inside every Zelda fan is a nerd. Deep in that inside nerd there is a nerdiness that wishes we could see our boyish, green-clad hero on the big screen. When I watched this that nerd inside me didn’t just cry, he died. I will admit this review could not be completely fleshed out just because even with all my courage I could not last more than ten minutes watching this. I will post the impressions of what I saw and mildly guess at how much worse it could have possibly gotten.
After a lengthly intro sequence (which for the first part, was actually pretty cool) showing the basic Zelda mythos, we were cut to the first actual film portion of the movie. It’s a dark forest, there’s a lady running and crying and a man upon horse chasing her. The lady runs and sobs for what seems like ten minutes, running aimlessly around this dark forest until she stumbles upon an unassuming ginger kid and hands over her child without any verbal communication. I’m thinking, hell yeah, this movie might not be so bad after all. I’m hoping the horseman catches up and brutalizes the ginger and the possible MILF but no, we get a FLAAAAASH FOOOORWARD. I wasn’t aware of this before but apparently when you jump forward in time, actors have a harder time not sucking ass and dialogue gets slightly more and more retarded. Noted.
We see a goofy looking teenager wearing what looks like a bad 80’s cop movie wig while fishing on the riverside. Is this fucking Link? I just about shut it off right there, but I decided to give it a few more minutes. Link gets really excited about this fish on the reel, like REALLY excited. Thought this was about to go softcore, especially as an actress appears on the screen who acts so badly I thought this must be porn. After a short exchange of words in a really bad attempt of what seemed like an English accent (Uhh…. what?), I decided I could no longer submit myself to this face-torture of a movie and I closed my web browser and ate left-over pizza.
I leave you with this link. Wirebot is not liable for anything that may happen after you click it, whether it be suicidal thoughts or pulling out your own hair. Ladies and gentlemen, The Hero of Time.
What the f%*k.